Well, that was interesting.

The address for the call came over the speaker at base. Being the new kid, I had no idea what was going on when everyone started laughing and telling me to have fun. Clueless, I drove to scene priority 1 hot. Fire is already there, so my partner and I join them in the tiny upstairs apartment. As I make my way to the back room I walk in to find a 300lb Hispanic female lying on the plush carpeted floor. With a large, and very bright orange mohawk. Okay.

I knelt down to my patient and asked her name. When she said "Matthew Henry Steven James" in a small squeaky voice, a smile nearly escaped me. Matthew's vitals were stable. He stated that he was walking without his braces and tripped on his big feet. He stumbled to the ground, and now had ten out of ten pain in his back, legs, neck and buttocks.

So, of course, we collared and back boarded Matthew - who had no trouble adjusting himself once we had him on the board. Meanwhile, Matthews partner watched from the doorway. Matthew's partner was a tall and skinny Caucasian male with a red beard and blond hair longer than my own. Matthew's partner told me that his name was Suzie. With a "z." And a cane. Because one leg was .25 inches longer than the other.

So, we've got a Hispanic female, 21 years old, who is in the process of becoming a man. With an orange mohawk. Who is on disability for "chronic finger pain, flat feet" (for which she has braces), among countless other things. And then we have Matthew's partner, Suzie. Who is in the beginning stages of her sex reassignment surgery as well. And who, or should I say what, is paying for these surgeries? Hmmm.....

As we're in the back of the rig on the way to the hospital Matthew informs me that he is having trouble staying awake and that his pain is getting severely worse. As he is telling me this he is trying to roll onto his side so he can get out his wallet. He even attempts to undo the straps on his head so he can see out the window. I go to patch into the ED and he somehow manages to pull a cell phone out of his bra and start texting.

There's a group of nurses and docs waiting for us as we roll him into the ED. As we walked by I could hear them laughing and talking about their past expereinces with my patient, who was too busy talking on his cell phone to notice. Meanwhile I'm fumbling as I give my report to the RN, trying to figure out whether I should call my patient a he, as that was what he preferred, or a she, which was what was written on her paperwork.


Uhm... Seriously?